Myrna, 38, a successful physician, sought help because she often felt inadequate.
While she really valued herself as a doctor, she did not value herself in her important relationships with friends and family. In addition, she said she wanted to be in a loving relationship, but she took no action to meet available men.
It became apparent that Myrna rarely took loving action on her behalf with her friends and family. For example, Jessica, one of Myrna’s friends, would often get angry and blame Myrna when Myrna was not available for dinner with Jessica. Myrna feels guilty and responsible for Jessica’s feelings and meets her for dinner even when exhausted from work. Myrna would feel drained after these dinners and depressed for a few days after, never realizing it was because she had not taken loving care of herself.
Myrna realized that she was afraid to be in a relationship because she had no idea how to take care of herself around others. She was terrified of completely losing herself in an important relationship. She realized that if she could not speak up for herself with Jessica, how could she ever speak up and act lovingly with a partner she was in love with? She realized that she would continue to feel lonely, anxious, inadequate, and depressed until she learned to take loving action for herself.
Many people suffer daily from anxiety, depression, stress, and anger, as well as from feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy.
The major cause of these feelings is a lack of loving action on their behalf.
Loving actions fall into two categories: Loving actions for yourself and loving actions in relationship to others.
Loving actions for yourself
Loving actions for yourself are those actions that attend to your own needs. When you take loving action on your behalf, you are letting yourself know that you matter, are important, and count. When you fail to take loving action, you give yourself the message that you are not important, which leads to feelings of depression and inadequacy.
Loving actions for yourself might include:
- Eat nutritious foods, avoid junk food and sugar, eat when hungry, and stop when full
- Getting enough exercise
- Keeping your work and home environments clean and organized
- Getting enough sleep
- Creating a balance between work and play. Make sure you have time to get your work done and time to do nothing, reflect, learn, play, and create
- Creating a good support system for people who love and care about you
- Being organized with your time, getting places on time, paying bills on time, etc
- Choosing to be compassionate with yourself rather than judgmental toward yourself
- Creating a balance between time for yourself and time with others
- Ensure physical safety by wearing a seat belt in a car, a helmet on a motorcycle, scooter, or bike, goggles when necessary, and so on
Loving actions in relationship to others
Loving actions in relationship to others might include:
- Be kind and compassionate toward others without compromising your integrity or ignoring your needs and feelings
- Saying no when you mean no and yes yes, rather than giving yourself up and going along with something you donít want to do or automatically resisting what another wants from you
- Taking care of your needs instead of trying to change and control others. Accept your lack of control over others and accept them as they are or not being around them
- You should speak your truth about what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable and then take action based on that truth
- Take personal responsibility for your feelings and needs instead of being a victim, and make others responsible for your feelings and needs
- Creating a balance between giving and receiving rather than a one-way street with another person
As a result of learning to take better care of herself alone and with others, Myrna no longer felt depressed and inadequate. She gradually lost her fears of being in a relationship and is delighted to be meeting an available partner.
